moyawyvern | I have been putting this off for too long.

My mother called me early last Sunday, hysterical. She said that my brother was dead. The rest of that day is a blur. I cried, almost threw up, got calls from people I hadn't talked to in years. My friend Kayce came over to try to take care of me, and took me out to breakfast so that I would eat. I booked a flight to Boston for that night, but the stupid airport canceled it and I had to go the next morning.

It all seemed so surreal. Chris was only 28, with two small children. You are not supposed to have heart failure at 28. I blame my dad partly for causing this treating both of us like shit and ignoring us while spending so much time with the stepkids 3000 miles away. Chris had stopped calling him dad and called him Dennis, and always said that Dad would never visit if Jacob and Colby weren't around. I blame Chris' wife, who gave him nothing but grief, took all his money, stressed him out, but Chris could never leave her.

I am so worried about my mom. My life will pretty much go on like it always has, but I never really realized how much Mom and Chris relied on each other. All through my mom's illnesses, he has been there. Mom helped Chris with the kids. There were with her when she found out. My mom has barely eaten since a week ago Sunday, and there is no one there to take care of her. She sleeps and cries and watches a little tv. I can't do anything to help here. My aunt is no help. She may be almost 66, but mentally she is about 5. She understands Chris is gone, but she has that emotional disconnect that children have and we envy. She thinks mom will be fine in a week. I do not think she will be ok for quite some time, if ever, and that is what worries me the most. She has really good friends, but most aren't close and can't be there all the time.

The memorial service was insanely hard. There were a lot of people there to support us, but I still didn't know what to do or what to say. Parades of people that I knew, vaguely remembered from high school, and people I never met paraded through. I may have never gotten along with Chris, but it was obvious that he was doing something right, because so many people loved him.

I went back to work today. It was way easier than I thought it would be. I just have to steer my memories in directions that don't deal with Chris, cause that will set me off again. My friends have been wonderful. Kayce, Desi, and Colleen trying to keep my mind off things, feeding me and keeping me company, Michelle and Ashley comforting me on phone and texts, and I can't tell out how much I appreciate it.

This is the last picture I took of him, two summers ago. Jacob is on the left and Colby is on the right. They are 7 and 5 now.

There were lots of pictures at the service, but I could barely look at them, and my mom couldn't at all. Her best friend had to get them together, and I stayed downstairs.

Thanks for reading and letting me ramble, if you are still reading. Please keep my mom and nephews in your thoughts.