I have been putting this off for too long.

[moyawyvern]

My mother called me early last Sunday, hysterical. She said that my brother was dead. The rest of that day is a blur. I cried, almost threw up, got calls from people I hadn't talked to in years. My friend Kayce came over to try to take care of me, and took me out to breakfast so that I would eat. I booked a flight to Boston for that night, but the stupid airport canceled it and I had to go the next morning.

It all seemed so surreal. Chris was only 28, with two small children. You are not supposed to have heart failure at 28. I blame my dad partly for causing this treating both of us like shit and ignoring us while spending so much time with the stepkids 3000 miles away. Chris had stopped calling him dad and called him Dennis, and always said that Dad would never visit if Jacob and Colby weren't around. I blame Chris' wife, who gave him nothing but grief, took all his money, stressed him out, but Chris could never leave her.

I am so worried about my mom. My life will pretty much go on like it always has, but I never really realized how much Mom and Chris relied on each other. All through my mom's illnesses, he has been there. Mom helped Chris with the kids. There were with her when she found out. My mom has barely eaten since a week ago Sunday, and there is no one there to take care of her. She sleeps and cries and watches a little tv. I can't do anything to help here. My aunt is no help. She may be almost 66, but mentally she is about 5. She understands Chris is gone, but she has that emotional disconnect that children have and we envy. She thinks mom will be fine in a week. I do not think she will be ok for quite some time, if ever, and that is what worries me the most. She has really good friends, but most aren't close and can't be there all the time.

The memorial service was insanely hard. There were a lot of people there to support us, but I still didn't know what to do or what to say. Parades of people that I knew, vaguely remembered from high school, and people I never met paraded through. I may have never gotten along with Chris, but it was obvious that he was doing something right, because so many people loved him.

I went back to work today. It was way easier than I thought it would be. I just have to steer my memories in directions that don't deal with Chris, cause that will set me off again. My friends have been wonderful. Kayce, Desi, and Colleen trying to keep my mind off things, feeding me and keeping me company, Michelle and Ashley comforting me on phone and texts, and I can't tell out how much I appreciate it.


This is the last picture I took of him, two summers ago. Jacob is on the left and Colby is on the right. They are 7 and 5 now.

There were lots of pictures at the service, but I could barely look at them, and my mom couldn't at all. Her best friend had to get them together, and I stayed downstairs.

Thanks for reading and letting me ramble, if you are still reading. Please keep my mom and nephews in your thoughts.

Comments

[marcasite.livejournal.com]

Oh my. I am so so so sorry for your loss. I wish I had something more to say but my thoughts and love are with you and your family.

[moyawyvern.livejournal.com]

Thank you. There is nothing really to say, unfortunately, but thanks for the thought.

[queen-of-crazy.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry for your loss. :(

*big giant hugs*

[moyawyvern.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I like hugs, and right now they are appreciated.

[miss-andromache.livejournal.com]

Oh Sara. I am so sorry to hear that. *Giant hugs** My thoughts & love are with you and your family. Call me any time if you just want to have a chat. (61 438 002 709 I think the international codes are right)

[moyawyvern.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I might take you up on that offer. And I still have that whole Skype/Gizmo thing if that works for you.

[lyndasty.livejournal.com]

Sweetheart, I've said this before but it never hurts repeating this. I love you bunches and am keeping you and your mom in my thoughts and prayers constantly. I know how worried you are about your mom and I know how hard it is for you to be this far away from her. If there's ANYTHING we can do, just call. You have my cell number and I texted you the house number Sunday. And you can always come over here and pet puppies and veg and talk or swim or whatever.

*hugs* Daddy and Jason and my Mom all send their love and hugs and thoughts. We're all so sorry you and your family are facing such a tough time and such a loss.

[moyawyvern.livejournal.com]

I cannot thank you enough for being there for me, especially during my nice little meltdown. They are fewer now, but they still happen at the weirdest times. I might take you up on that puppy love, as long as they haven't been rolling in the mud first. And a swim sounds nice.

I didn't even realize that the number you sent was not your cell. I don't recognize anyone's numbers now. Damn technology and caller ID.

Thank everyone for their good thoughts for me, please. You guys are all really sweet.

[lyndasty.livejournal.com]

Well, being there for each other is what friends are for, honey. And I know all about having meltdowns at the weirdest times...that does, eventually, get a little bit better.

How's your Mom? When did you talk to her last? I hope she's doing better.

And you're more than welcomed over here anytime. The puppies are getting better about NOT getting all wet and muddy and icky. And the pool is open pretty much all the time. I'm going to clean it up some tomorrow so I can go swimming since Daddy and Taylor leave on vacation in like 3 hours and will be gone until next Tuesday night. :)

And yeah that number is the house number. If you ever need me and can't get me on my cell, call the house. And Jason's cell number is one number up from mine...(67 as opposed to 66).

Everyone says you're welcome and we're all still thinking about you and praying for you and your mom. *hugs* (Even Charmy is sending hugs and cuddles...)

[the-muppet.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother.

*hugs*

[moyawyvern.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much.

[wickedelf.livejournal.com]

I'm very sorry for your loss. My sympathies go out to you and your family.

*hugs*

[moyawyvern.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[burningchaos.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Sweetie I can't even imagine what you are going through. Just know I am thinking of you and your family and you in my thoughts and prayers.

[moyawyvern.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I am doing reasonably well, but I am hopping all the good thoughts help my mom. She did sound a teeny bit better yesterday.

[phdelicious.livejournal.com]

I've been trying to stay off the computer more recently so I only just saw this.

I'm soooo sorry to hear about your loss. I'll keep your family in my prayers.

[moyawyvern.livejournal.com]

I just posted last night, since I couldn't get up the nerve to post it earlier, so it is not like you are late to the party.

Thank you very much. I am sure my mom appreciates all the prayers, cause I know I do.

We do have to talk about D*Con sometime soon. The thought of the con is keeping me going, at least partly. That sounds really pathetic when I write it out.

[desala.livejournal.com]

I am very sorry to hear of the loss of your brother. You and your family are in my thoughts and my prayers.

*offers big hugs hugs*

[moyawyvern.livejournal.com]

Thanks you very much.